I find it kind of fitting that I stumbled upon the ending of the movie Garden State last night. It was a dose of unexpected medicine. I was thinking about my dad while writing another post and bam it just jumped out at me while channel surfing. There's a scene towards the end of the movie when Zach Braff's character has a truly honest conversation with his father.
This is my life, Dad. This is it. I've spent 26 years waiting for something else to start. So, no, I don't think it's too much to take on, because it's everything there is. I see now it's all there is. You and I are gonna be okay. You know that, right? We may not be as happy as you always dreamed we would be, but for the first time let's just allow ourselves to be whatever it is we are, and that will be better, okay? I think that will be better.
Our relationship was perhaps not as open as I would have liked. Pop was better at communicating with the folks he worked with than with the people he was closest too. I've been ruminating in my head as of late why he was the way he was. Why was it so difficult for him to open up? Was there a particular event in his life that caused him to shut down his emotions or was that just who he was. I'd been obsessing on the why and then out of nowhere comes this scene from the movie Garden State and it became clear to me, I needed to turn the page. The why wasn't going to be answered. I always knew he loved me. The words "We may not be as happy as you always dreamed we would be..." really resonated. My heart may have wanted something more but instead of staying in that space of longing, I needed to shift my mindset and allow the feeling to pass. In regards to dad and myself, I must allow ourselves to be whatever it is we were to one another. I think that will be better.